NOvember

Protecting and honouring yourself, with NO.

Did you know, you have the right to refuse?

It is the middle of November and perhaps you are feeling consumed by an explosion of holiday events and invitations. Or feeling extra pressure to complete a deadline before the New Year? Or maybe a loved one keeps placing on you unreasonable expectations that are causing you to feel strained.

How do you respond? And is your response aligned with what you are willing to give, considering your time and energy reserves?

Most of us hate saying, “No.” Am I right? And reflecting on early childhood experiences, we don’t like hearing “no” either.  

“NO” — the very thing that helps to preserve our well-being, is the same thing that clashes with the inner conflict of pleasing others or protecting ourselves. This often stems from an internal struggle between plugging into our sense of power and worth, and a simultaneous desire to cater to, or foster, a relationship.

Quite often in my therapy and coaching sessions, I share my struggles of not being able to slow down; take on fewer commitments or take better care of myself. So at the beginning of November, I was presented with a challenge from my Life Coach to start practicing an essential and necessary boundary-setting task, saying, “NO.” 

In accepting this challenge, I not only wanted to focus on opportunities to say no but also explore the reasons why it can be so difficult for me to say.

Here are a few reasons why it often bothers me to say ‘no’: 

• Fear of disappointing others;

• Not wanting to hurt other's feelings;

• I said, ‘yes’ already, and I can’t change my mind now;

• I don’t want conflict, or to inconvenience anyone;

… and the list goes on 

I feel bad. 

Perhaps this feeling is a symptom of "the disease to please." 

We often underestimate how often people expect us to say yes, and overestimate how offended or how much of an impact saying no will have on them. Where do those assumptions about how other people will respond or feel come from? Why is it that we assume that people depend on us and that they are fragile - therefore, we accept responsibility for them and protect them. 

No matter how much we may want to, we cannot be responsible for the responses, feelings, or opinions of other people. They are not our responsibility - we are our responsibility. Asserting no acknowledges personal responsibility with understanding that within the many interactions we have with others, we cannot allow ourselves to always be influenced by them.

Protect and honour yourself

Saying no can also be challenging to do when the request/activity is something we enjoy doing. 

This happened to me recently, when I was invited to a get-together. It was an overnight at a beautiful Airbnb on the water (yes, sounds amazing) … Every part of me wanted to say yes to attending, but when I looked in my calendar, the date was marked, “Self-Care Night-In.” I could have easily rejected myself and went out, but, if I have to book in a self-care evening, I must have needed it. 

Here's when you examine your values: 

I said to myself, "Maybe I should go, it’s not like I’d be letting anyone down ..."

EXCEPT MYSELF.

As I was about to RSVP yes, this stern voice in my head, said, “NO.” I promised myself this evening-in as a way to disconnect from the world, and reconnect with myself; to spend time in my home (which is a rarity), and enjoy the time designated for rest. 

In the end, I did politely decline the invitation, as I decided that I was going to stand by my decision to honour myself that evening.

Cue the bad feelings … or so I thought.

Surprisingly, this time was different. I made my decision. I stood by my decision. And then after my decision was made, I carried on. No second thoughts. No, “oh I feel guilty because …” None of that. I was excited for the opportunity to stay in and rest.

Years ago, in the midst of one of many moments of angst and trying to be everything to everyone and do all of the things, my mother-in-law helped establish a very important framework that would serve me when responding to requests. She said, “Martina, every ‘yes’ has a ‘no,’ and every ‘no’ has a ‘yes.’ 

When I commit to saying ‘no’ to someone or a request, I now explore what I am saying ‘yes’ to. Saying ‘no’ to going out for dinner with friends, meant (at the time) that I was saying ‘yes’ to studying for that exam that I was feeling stressed by. This framework has added a lot of value and clarification on how to respond to a request. 

Saying YES to SELF 

Next time you are faced with a request, consider asking yourself these 3 questions: 

1. Am I standing in my power or am I trying to please another?

2. Will this decision add to my life or will it rob me of energy?

3. If I am responding, "yes" to this request, what am I saying, "no" to?

Protecting Yourself with “NO”

If you are having a hard time with saying no, here are a few suggestions that have helped me on this journey:

1. Get comfortable with the word, “no” — Establish boundaries and identify why sometimes saying no is important to you. Understand what it is protecting you from, and why it is important for your own self-care. When we appreciate the value behind no, we are more apt to stand by that decision when we use it. Also, listen to your body, your instincts, when you feel conflicted by saying no — what is it telling you? Oftentimes, our body is a good indicator of when we are taking on too much.

2. Be deliberate with your words — Perhaps saying no directly is difficult for you to do. Do you stumble? Say, “ummm … well maybe? Or even say yes when you really want to say no? Instead of wavering, buy yourself some time and disrupt the “yes” cycle by saying, “I’ll get back to you,” and then consider your options. Or if you know, you mean no, then politely decline. One of the ways I have declined is by saying, “I have a lot on my plate right now, but thank you for thinking of me.” Another way of responding is by saying, “This does not work for me.”

3. Practice, practice, practice — With a little practice, we can learn how to find a balance of supporting others and protecting ourselves. Practicing with small opportunities can help us gain more confidence and assertiveness when we are faced with larger requests.

Think deeply about the things that matter to you (your values), and give a voice and action to your values. Ask yourself, "What is my priority?" When there is a lack of clarity around our priorities, we open ourselves up and become vulnerable to the demands of others.

One of the most important lessons I am learning on this journey is that in our desire to be supportive and giving towards others, we must apply the same compassion towards ourselves — because we cannot pour from an empty cup.

With love and intention, 

Martina 

Martina Kelades
Founder, Life Out Loud

Martina has over 10 years’ professional experience working as a Personal Development Counsellor and Instructor and holds a diploma in Social Services (Addictions Counselling concentration) from the Nova Scotia Community College (NSCC), as well as a BA (Hons) in Psychology from Mount St. Vincent University. In addition to her education, Martina is a certified and active Mental Health First Aid trainer, a national, certificate, training course through the Mental Health Commission of Canada.